i wish there wasn’t a stigma about doing things alone. you can’t go out to eat alone, you can’t see a movie alone, basically anything fun, you’re looked down on for doing alone and it’s so stupid you shouldn’t need other people to validate your decisions
Just fuck those people who look down on you doing things alone. I eat alone, I go to movies alone, I’ve been to amusement parks alone. Sometimes my friends aren’t available, and I’m not going to miss out on what I want to do because of what I’m making up in my head about what other people thing.
The stigma is in your own head. I know that getting out of your head is easier said than done, but this is a pretty easy first step. For eating out on your own, if you go to a restaurant, sit in the bar area. Bartenders are typically very friendly people.
I realize that being an adult means that sometimes you have to give up weekends for work. But, when hired as an Administrative Assistant and getting paid the average salary of one, I call bullshit. Pay me enough where a rent hike at a shitty apartment complex won’t put me in the red, and I will be more willing to sacrifice my time off. It’s not like I get to take another day off instead.
Fuck this place.
There will come a time when you want to cut off all your hair. Do it. Realise that the thing you want rid of doesn’t lie in the long curls that frame your face so perfectly. Live with short hair for a while. It’ll grow.
You won’t always want to talk to people. That’s okay. When it’s late and you hear your friends talking in the next room, you don’t have to join them. You’re allowed your solitude. It makes company sweeter and it teaches you how to survive alone. You will need that skill.
In the winter, you’ll believe that nothing will ever grow again. You’re wrong. Every year, London looks like it’s on its last legs, wheezing through those last cold days in March. Every year, spring comes like an explosion and the city shakes off its sleep.
Mundane problems will get the better of you sometimes. Don’t worry. Try as you might, life cannot be an endless, beautiful, intense moment. Find comfort in money worries and late trains; they’re a welcome rest in between heartbreaks and breakdowns.
People will call you a cynic, a wry smile on their faces. Pay them no mind. You alone know that you are capable of a love greater than anything they can comprehend. You alone know that you are not willing to sell your identity and respect to the first smirking halfwit to pass by. It is not cynicism. It is reverence for your own vast and fathomless heart, and it makes sense only to love someone who understands that and is awed by it.
You will not always get what you want when you want it. Accept it. Your goals are not set in stone and you are not on a fixed trajectory. Sometimes, life will take its time and you will have to play the long, interminable game. Play it well and with as much grace as you can muster. Live at your own pace.
At night, you will occasionally wake up afraid, wanting to die. Don’t give in. Night plays its tricks, but you are not so easily fooled. Your mind will play its tricks, too. It will make you believe that you’re not who you are, but you must not give in. You take a breath and you tell yourself that you are here. That you always were.— Practical Advice for Difficult Women (#20 - 9th December)
It took me years to build up the courage to call and schedule an appointment with a therapist. It was especially difficult, because Kaiser Permanente is shit.
This appointment was scheduled for about a month ago. The day of the appointment, their admin person called and said that the doctor had to cancel the appointment. They said that THEY would call back to reschedule.
They haven’t called back yet, which means that I have to get myself into the mode to call them again. This should be a relatively easy task, except for the way my mind twists information.
When they first called to cancel, I wondered if this was some sort of test, especially considering that I told them that I wanted to talk to someone about anxiety. Since they haven’t rescheduled, I immediately start thinking that they just don’t feel like my issues are bad enough. Since they haven’t rescheduled, I feel like they think I am wasting their time when they can see a patient who might be a danger to themselves or others.
Because I think this way, I know I need to talk to someone… but now I’m back to convincing myself that I need to talk to someone. That doesn’t even make sense.
2. It’s been almost a month and I still miss you like a fucking limb.
3. I didn’t know my bones could ache until I met you.
4. You know, a week before we broke up, do you remember? I had bought a book of poetry. You asked why I didn’t read something more interesting and I could feel my insides splinter.
5. You said poetry was all lies dressed up to sound pretty. When I look at you these days, I want to ask if sadness sounds pretty to you too.
6. It’s 3 a.m. and this alcohol tastes like you.
7. I saw you staring at me today during Lit class. I smiled at you and you didn’t smile back. I almost cried.
8. The girl who sits next to me smells like you.
9. I miss you.
10. I have never had so many bad nights.
11. Sometimes I write poetry about you on the internet. Strangers who have never met either of us think you’re cruel – they tell me if they had the honor of loving me, we’d have sex three times a day and they’d scream my name when they came.
12. They think it is beautiful, how I am broken. I don’t think they understand.
13. You used to tell me I was beautiful. I tried saying it in the mirror the other day, but it sounded wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.
14. Everything I say sounds wrong without your mouth wrapped around it.
15. We were never in love, but, oh God, we could have been.
"15 Texts I Almost Sent You" by d.a.s (via backshelfpoet)
Jonathan Carroll just sent me this in email. I found it here and am passing it on to you.